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English jokes

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conan
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Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 1:44 pm

Those are some jokings which I've learnt in my school:
1.-I'm feel homesick
-But you are at home
-I know.But i'm sick of it
2.-Do you like music?
-Yes.but please finish the song you are singing


Được sửa bởi ngày 24/12/2007, 2:12 pm; sửa lần 2.


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conan
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Age : 25
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Trường : Minh Khai
Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 1:47 pm

A
woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she
jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and
pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."



What did the dentist say to the computer?
This won't hurt a byte



Được sửa bởi ngày 24/12/2007, 1:49 pm; sửa lần 1.


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conan
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Nam
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Age : 25
Nghề : Ban cán sự bộ môn Tin học
Trường : Minh Khai
Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 1:47 pm

The man: God, how long is a million years?
God: To me, it's about a minute.
The man: God, how much is a million dollars?
God: To me it's a penny.
The man: God, may I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.


Được sửa bởi ngày 24/12/2007, 2:04 pm; sửa lần 2.


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conan
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Tổng số bài gửi : 220
Age : 25
Nghề : Ban cán sự bộ môn Tin học
Trường : Minh Khai
Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 1:50 pm

The man: God, how long is a million years?
God: To me, it's about a minute.
The man: God, how much is a million dollars?
God: To me it's a penny.
The man: God, may I have a penny?
God: Wait a minute.

**********************************************
Two boys were arguing when the old man entered the room.
The old man says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie".
"You should be ashamed of yourselves", said the old man, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was".
The boys gave the ten dollars to the old man.


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conan
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Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 1:58 pm


Train Tickets & the Engineers

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are
traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three
Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three
Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple
engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take
their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a
rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a rack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The
Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy
the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When
they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a
ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see,"
answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram
into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another
one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest
room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".


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conan
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Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 1:59 pm


Father: you know, Tom, when Lincoln was your age he was a very good pupil. in fact, he was the best pupil in his class
Tom: yes, father.I know that, but when he was your age, he was President of the United States


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conan
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Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:08 pm

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother,
- “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.”
- “ Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
- “ Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell .”
Her mother replied, “ Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is .”


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conan
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Trường : Minh Khai
Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

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Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:11 pm

A mother and father take their 6-yr old son to a nude beach. As the boy
walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs
bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her whỵ She tells her
son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad
does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again
satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to plaỵ

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his
mother: "Dađy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the
longer he talks, the dumber he gets."


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conan
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Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:16 pm

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and
this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than
met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a
gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner."Several days later, John received a letter from
his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with
Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have
found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.


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conan
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Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:16 pm

There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist
goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and
the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am
doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a
thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the
barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing
a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next
morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

An Asian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay
the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from
you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber
goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians
waiting for a free haircut...


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conan
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Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:16 pm

Frank constantly irritated his friends with eternal optimism. No matter
how horrible the circumstance, he would remake: “It could have been
worse.” To cure him of this annoying habit, his friend decided to
invent a situation so bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no
hope in it.
On the golf course one day, a friend said: “Frank, did you hear about
Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both, then return the gun on himself.”
“That’s horrible.” Frank said, “But it could be worse.”
“How could it possible any worse?” the friend asked angrily.
“Well,” Frank answered, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead.”


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conan
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Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:17 pm

An
English professior wrote the words, “Woman withour her man is nothing”
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her,man is nothing.”


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conan
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chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:18 pm

A man was just recovering in hospital after being unconscious for a week. His wife was sitting by his side when he woke up.

Man: Honey, you've been by my side when I was in that car crash, you
were there when I lost my job, you were present when my parents died,
and you were by my side when someone stole all my money from my
account.....and you know what?

Wife: What?

Man: I think you're bad luck.


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conan
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chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:18 pm

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."




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conan
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Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:18 pm

One winter Nasraddin had very little
money. His crops had been very bad that year, and he had to live very
cheaply. He gave his donkey less food, and when after two days the
donkey looked just the same, he said to himself, “The donkey was used
to eating a lot. Now he is quickly getting used to eating less; and
soon he will get used to living on almost nothing.”
Each day Nasraddin gave the donkey a little less food, until it was hardly eating anything.
Then one day, when the donkey was going to the market with a load of
wood on its back, it suddenly died. “How unlucky I am,” said Nasraddin.
“Just when my donkey had got used to eating hardly anything, it came to
the end of his days in this world.”


Được sửa bởi ngày 24/12/2007, 2:20 pm; sửa lần 1.


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conan
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Nam
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Trường : Minh Khai
Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:19 pm

These 4 gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is
detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the
home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own
design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last
year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career
as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so
successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two
brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock
brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large
stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have
been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out,"
he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just
recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be
good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a
brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."


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conan
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Tổng số bài gửi : 220
Age : 25
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Trường : Minh Khai
Registration date : 23/08/2007
Tên thật : Đình Thanh

chu y Re: English jokes

Bài gửi by conan on 24/12/2007, 2:20 pm

This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and
Nobody. there was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked
to do it. Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could
have done it but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because
it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but
Nobody resented that Everybody couldn't do it. It ended up that
Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.


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